So, I've been wanting to have a place where I can just freely share my thoughts. Maybe it's a stretch, but I think that noise in general is a little bit anything-ish, it's just sound. So, why not celebrate that aspect of the music we all love with an analogous thread? It's really a stretch, I know. I hope you're okay with this. I wanted to share the journal entry I wrote today, I just have a lot of thoughts in my head. Don't feel like you have to read it, if you don't wanna read my thoughts that's fine.
7/26/2016
So, I think now that I'm older I have a better idea of what a friend is supposed to be. I was just reading Catcher In The Eye, and Haulfield calls up all those people who he hasn't talked to in a while, I realize that's what most people think of as friendship. I've had this incredibly foolish and embarrassing idea of what friendship is supposed to be for such a long time. I always wanna get close to people and become close friends, so I don't have to put up with small talk and shit. I guess I take getting to know people too seriously, I bet people would like me better if I just chilled out and didn't give a shit about whether or not I was their friend or not.
I swear, you'd cringe if you tried to be my friend or something. I mean, a lot of people who I've dated didn't seem to have a problem with me, there's been no person who I've been on a date with who hasn't liked me, I guess I'm just a very polite and respectful person (even though I immediately have dumped every person I've gone on a date with, all 4). I've tried to be friends with people before though, people from school. I think that I got too pushy with them, because I always wanted to do stuff and they kept their distance. They were probably wise, because I wouldn't wanna get my time ripped off of me by some crazy nut job like me either. They were probably thinking, yeah fuck hanging out with that guy.
That's because I didn't realize what friendship really is. Friendship isn't like what you see in the movies (I can't even cite any movies, I'm just saying), where you're close with them and they share secrets with you and you can have good times with you, and call them up and talk to them about shit that actually matters. I mean, my parents have friends like that, but I'm a fucking moron, maybe that's why I won't ever actually have any friends like that. I'm such a fucking moron, I can't even do anything right except indulge myself in whatever dumb fucking interests I have like reading and listening to music.
That's another reason why I'm just a huge fucking dumbass. You know I'm 22 and I still don't have a job or anything like that, and I still don't know what I want to go to college for? It's not a matter of I don't have the finances to get to college or something, it's just a matter of I got really poor grades in high school because I didn't give a fuck, and then I tried college 3 time and I really didn't give a fuck. At least in high school you could act like a queen bitch and there would still be someone pushing your fat lazy ass along and making you do stuff, in college they just don't give a fuck about you and they could care less whether or not you apply yourself. I feel rebellious even in college, just like I did when I was in high school, even though it's supposed to be my "choice" to be there.
That's a really funny thing to me, college is supposedly your "choice". If there's one thing that makes me want to punch people in the face for being such morons, it's when people tell me that since I'm an adult that I have freedom and I don't "have to do anything". You know what they're really saying? They're saying you don't have to live and you could just kill yourself. Because as a requirement of living, you have to find a way to survive and if you don't then you'll be homeless, and I wouldn't call that living. I have so much spite for the world, it really does seem like everyone's just out in it for themselves, and they're caught up in this big illusion that any of it really means anything. A lot of people take that as some sort of life lesson "it's a dog eat dog world". They take that as some sort of fucking wisdom, but me, that depresses me so much I can't even be bothered to give a shit about the world anymore.
That's one of the things that really depresses me about the world. People don't actually give you anything to give a shit about, they literally just expect you to give a shit about something, and if you don't then they tell you that it's "chemical", or they have this big scam called religion, which is supposed to give you a purpose for living, and you participate in the largest book publishing scam that ever existed. That depresses me so much. You know what else depresses me? The fact that it seems like some people really thrive in this. There seems to be so many people who don't seem lonely, there's people who say they're lonely because they haven't had a date or anyone to go out with sometimes, they don't know what true loneliness is, those stupid mother fuckers.
I shouldn't be like that though, because to be honest I think I just became one of the sorts of people who I hate the most. You know what kind of people I hate the most? I hate those sorts of people who act like your misery isn't anything compared to theirs. They have to act like they've had things much worse so they can't listen to you complain about their petty problems or something. It's so fucking depressing, it's like people are in a race to see who has the most depressing life, it's like a competition. It's like a badge of honor, it's your bitching rights. If you have had it worse than everyone else, you have a god given birth right to bitch about it more than they do and mock anybody who hasn't suffered as much as you. That must be one hell of a privilege, being able to lord over everyone like that.
Yeah I definitely see my hypocrisy in some cases. Not in everything, if I were a hypocrite in everything I may as well not even bother writing, because everything I say would be a complete waste of time. I just think that it's good to put things into perspective like that sometimes, I think that's a really interesting thing about Catcher In The Rye. Colden Haulfield bitches about other people so much, it really makes me think about all the people I've been shitty to, cases where other people would think of me as someone to bitch about. I really do think about shit like that, I may act like an asshole sometimes. I think it's really important to notice that I'm not like that all the time though.
That's another thing that I have been thinking about lately. I have been thinking about how there's always going to be something that you like and something that you dislike about everyone. I was thinking about some of my favorite news broadcasters, or my favorite news commentators I should say. I was watching this video of Sargon of Akkad making a critical video of Cenk Uger of The Young Turks. It was funny because I actually like both of those shows, but I thought Sargon made some really good eye opening points about Cenk, but in the end he said that he still likes Cenk and would like to see him grow as a person. I think it's great that we can all like each other yet not like every single aspect about someone else, that's really critical not only to having good political perspectives, but also with people in general. You don't want to get caught in an echo chamber and not take any criticism either, which is the point Sargon was making about Cenk, he doesn't take any criticism and surrounds himself with only people who agree with him. I think that's really great that we can agree with some people on some things and not on others, and realize that we can have mixed opinions on them. I really think people in general aughta think about that more, but what do I know.
So I guess I've gotta go research what kind of jobs I want and what I want to go to college for. Because to be honest I haven't got the slightest idea and I wish I didn't even have to give a fuck about that sort of thing, but now that I've seen what the real bottom of the barrel jobs are, I don't want to have anything to do with them. That reminds me that I haven't even brought up the thing that happened today. I was meaning to bring that up earlier because that was a pretty important thing, but I put it off and forgot about it for a while.
So today I was going to this job training thing. I got there and this woman greets me and immediately starts telling me about how to stock produce, which was shitty because I thought she was supposed to be a job counsellor that was going to hook me up with some jobs somewhere. No, this was a vocational training thing for people who are too stupid to do anything but stock produce, so there were a lot of mentally handicapped people there and very old people. I could hardly keep my eyes open they were getting so heavy when she was talking to me about stocking produce, and I was trying really hard not to frown. Then she took me into the back in this dimly lit overstock room filled with boxes of food, where we sat at a small table where a couple of flies were having sex, and around me the workers were having the dopiest conversations I've ever heard, which I immediately tuned out. The vocational trainer expected me to actually be listening or something, which I wasn't at all, and she was like "don't say that, the new guy won't know you're joking" and I'm like wow, that's pretty presumptuous.
It was this fucking job where you were doing tasks that an absolute utter fucking moron could do, but they still had to "make sure you're ready to go into the work force". It was nauseating, not only that, but the idea that these people need to be mentally prepared to do moron work. It really makes me hate those sorts of people to be honest, not hate them as in thinking they're inferior to me or something and I think they're less than human, I know they're human beings and stuff, it's just that their lives depress me so much. Are they just capable of so little that that's all they can do? I remember looking at these cowish people, thinking that there must be something wrong with their brains if this is the sort of thing they could walk around and mindlessly do for 5 hours a day. I mean really, when you think about biology and the different evolutionary levels, it's not that hard to believe that some people's brains aren't even that developed.
If you really hate me for saying that, then good. I have been thinking about how much I really like saying shit I know will be offensive and then just leaving it there for people to get upset at, except then usually thinks get shitty because people get angry at me and shit and I get banned from some server or some forum. At least this is my own personal blog, I can say whatever I want and then if someone has some shit to say, I can say well hey man, this is my fucking blog, you don't have to look at if you don't want to. I have so much to say, you know what I mean? That's why I have a blog in the first place. I go to chat rooms and people aren't even interested in having long winded, deep, intellectual, personal conversations with other people. This way it's like I can have the long, deep, intellectual conversation with you, but I can do all the talking and I don't have to worry about if you hate my guts or feel bored or not. I don't even have to worry if there's anyone reading this, I can just play out the conversation anyways and do what I really want to do; express myself to the fullest extent.
Sometimes I know full well that something I'm saying will get me in trouble, but I say it anyways, you know what I mean? Like, I'll have such a nervous feeling in my gut the moment I say something that I know will upset people, but I say it anyways. It's happened a few times, and it usually has to do with me saying that it makes me happy when people suffer and when people get hurt and stuff. It just sucks because sometimes I'm really upset, and no one sees the moments leading up to that, they can't imagine why I'm upset, they just hear the one little tip of the iceberg, they only hear one sentence out of a shit load that lead up to that moment and they don't get the big picture. That's what people are like with everyone and I harp on this so incessantly, but I still maintain that that's the reason why I have so much respect for people who commit crimes and people who violate some big social norm, who really break the law really fucking badly. It's like, you don't know what that person is thinking, all you know is what they were doing and you know you don't approve of what they were doing. They could just be thinking, fuck this world, or they could be thinking I just wanna enjoy myself. I don't see why that upsets some people so much, why people don't see that as just a fact of life that some people think that way.
And you know what else is really fucking annoying? You could literally write a dozen+ paragraphs about literally anything you want, but if you then say "man it makes me so happy when there's a mass shooting, I fucking hate people". It literally becomes all about that, it's like that's literally the only thing that these dumbasses hear. It's like they can't tell that I'm just shooting the piss because I'm angry and want to say the most misanthropic anti human thing I can say, to express how much I hate humanity. It's like saying you wanna fucking kill yourself. You don't actually wanna kill yourself, you don't actually wanna see a bunch of people die, it's just hyperbole. That's one thing people don't get about me, is I really push the hyperbole. I always push things to the point where people can barely tolerate me. Maybe it's just because human beings seem so stagnant, or they seem so boring.
You know what I mean? Sometimes I'll be in a chat room and the people in the chat room will be so fucking boring, I'll hardly be able to stand listening to their inane conversation, sometimes I might even make some sarcastic remarks or something, or just say something stupid to hear them get all confused and wonder why I'm saying it. They don't know that I'm just fucking with them because I think they're boring. I really wish that someone would catch onto me one of these days though, someone would catch onto the fact that I'm acting funny and actually try to be perceptive about why I'm being that way. I just want someone to figure out some day that I just find the conversation boring. You know what I mean? I only act like an immature obnoxious moron if I'm around people who I think are immature and obnoxious. If I'm around people who I actually like and respect, you bet your ass I'm gonna try to maintain a good rapport with them. Hell, you may not believe it, but I'd say I actually care about the impression I make on some people.
I feel like I'm one of the only intelligent but dumb people on earth today. I'm intelligent, but I'm dumb, you know what I mean? I know that there's a lot of people out there who are actually doing well in their life, and they're actually out there doing the things that I should be doing, they're taking advantage of the opportunities that they should be, and they're applying themselves where they should be, and they're getting the friendships and relationships that they desire. It really kills me to think that there's people who have it so good like that, you know what I mean? Here I am being that hypocrite I was being earlier, where I was saying that there's a lot of people who have really good lives and it's just not fair. Well, lemme tell you what I really do get pissed off sometimes when I think about all the people who have it so much better than me.
Honestly, it sort of makes me sick to think about actually. I mean, time is of the essence, time is money as they say. I think about that, and what I mean by it is that all this time I spend being a loser and nobody, wishing that I didn't have to be anything at all, is time that I could be spending actually doing something productive. And I've said this a million times, I hate sounding like a broken record but I really hate the fact that I have a limited amount of time to live. I think about this often, how it feels like the clock is ticking and I'm running down my time that I could be spending going out and actually having a blast, instead doing this pointless - feeling sorry for myself shit, not having the motivation to really do anything. I feel like pretty soon I'll be old and washed up, and I'll have no experiences to look back and reflect on, and feel like the air around me is filled with memories, that's what people who have a good time must feel like. They must have no time to even sit back and reflect on things, and think about how they're spending their time, unless they're utter washed up douche bags like me, and once again I've proven that I've become another sort of person I mock. I think I do that a lot, I hate and mock a lot of things I attribute to other people that actually apply to myself. What a fucking obnoxious wreck I am. Being one of the smartest people in the world isn't easy.
What even is intelligence anyways? It's supposed to be this thing that measures how well you can think. I guess it's all about efficiency, and memory retention, what a surprise. What a surprise, it's all based on utilitarian shit. It's not like how you enjoy your life and how smart your points of views on the world actually matter, unless that's your job or something. I'm beating a dead horse at this point though, talking about how utilitarianism is fucking bullshit and we're all fucking zombies marching towards a grave, it's depressing and I wouldn't even wanna hear someone bitch about the sorts of things I'm bitching about right now, it's so fucking trite and we've all heard it a million times, but to tell you the truth I'm just hoping that I can drill it into your brain some more. As one of the smartest people on earth, take it from me that this is really important that you don't forget.
That's another thing that bugs me. When I bitch about stuff, people always come back at me with this counter perspective, as if the stuff that I'm saying is wrong by virtue of it being bitching. Although, at the same time I don't think that some people really know whether or not they should agree with me or offer me a different perspective, I know that sometimes it's different for me. Sometimes I just wanna make statements and have them stand on their own as irrefutable, but other times I say stuff and I want to hear someone miraculously tell me how I'm actually wrong and there's a better way of looking at things. Either way, I don't think that I would ever be able to get all this conversation out with just your average friend unless I was sitting around with them just talking about myself for hours. I think that really the only time you can ever do something like this is if you're on your blog, or if you're talking to your psychologist or something, who you actually pay to listen to you talk.
That fucking kills me too, that you have to pay someone to listen to you talk. I always feel bad when I'm talking to my psychologist and the session is over and they say "well, we started early so we're going to end a little early". Sometimes they're nice and they let me go over time if they feel like I should finish something I'm saying, but other times it makes me feel so depressed because I feel like the only person I can actually talk to is someone who I fucking pay to talk to me. There's another thing that bugs me which is that people don't even fucking understand psychologists. People have told me I'm sick and should talk to a psychologist so many times (because I say some shit people don't like on the internet to people who don'rt even know me), and they don't even know what a psychologist does. A psychologist just fucking talks to you, and you just talk about shit that you want to talk about, they're just there to act as a voice to guide your thoughts, it's really a process of self discovery, and they can offer some alternative perspectives, but they can't really tell you how to think, that's not actually what psychology is about. If you wanna have something control your mind, you should go to a psychiatrist, who will give you pills and shit which is something that I have avoided doing for years (yeah, you can look at that and laugh, but I really don't want them).
It pisses me off so much, people don't even understand the nature of mental illnesses. I don't have a "mental illness", which is where you're not thinking coherently or something. My psychologist has told me so many times that I don't have a mental illness and there's nothing wrong with the way that I think, that I just need to get out more. I really think that's true, I was just thinking about it lately too. All of the people who I talk to online really don't know me, and they can't make a real judgment about who I am based off the limited amount of stuff they hear me say. Also, I and other people act differently when we're not online. I know this because I get along really well with people when they're offline, they don't actually have a problem with me. I know that I talk a lot about being socially awkward and stuff, but to be honest even though I may have less anxiety when I'm online (and it really depends on the situation when I'm offline, sometimes offline I don't have anxiety at all), I really am a nice person to be around in person, and I find it way harder to piss people off when I'm in person.
That really kills me, to think about all the time that I could have been spending with other people, not pissing them off like I do online, and not having awkward boring conversations with random shlums who I meet in chat rooms. I mean, to think that I could have avoided all that fucking shit makes me so depressed, and it makes me jealous and hateful of all the people besides me who have actually lived my dream. It reminds me of this one charles manson song off his album commemoration called "peace in your heart", where he breaks into this rant mid song and he's like "you've been walking every god damn day in my mother fucking day! death row, down on the hole! fix your green submarine you jellybean jerkin jeans! down on everybody's mind can't you see! *something* how come you won't let me back in and live what I earned?! I earned my way out of this god damn can, you damn fool!" I have most of that song memorized. The two key points there though, are "you've been walking every god damn day in my mother fucking day" which I interpret as saying, you're living the fucking life I was supposed to be living. Then you got how come you won't let me back in and live what I earned? He's in jail, as you know.
I have dreams where I'm in jail a lot, I don't know why. I guess that makes it easier for me to relate to that song I just mentioned. I dunno why for sure, but I guess it's just that I feel trapped. I feel like there's a world out there that I'm ready to go into, but I feel like I'm trapped and I just can't get out of this miserable hole that I'm in. I feel like the whole world is holding me down, I feel like I'm at the mercy of the whole world, and really the only thing I could do, is dive face first into all the depressing shit and just let it make me depressed, go and do all this depressing shit that makes me depressed, so that maybe all the depressing stuff pays off eventually into something rewarding. Okay? Okay. I think I've said enough. I almost descended into just making some stupid fucking platitudes, which I guess I've done a few times now. I've been trying to write down my dreams, but to be honest it's sort of a drag. My dreams are pretty dull and boring, I wish I had fun and exciting dreams, but you don't get those sorts of dreams unless you're a kid.
My apartment is so fucking clean. I've been cleaning it little by little, and now it actually looks presentable, it looks beautiful actually, like a nice bright upscale place to live. I'm pretty proud of it, it's been pretty nice lately just looking around at my apartment and feeling good about living here. The bright white carpet, the sun shining through the big old windows, the clean floor free of debris and garbage. Only problem are these little fucking mig flies. They're fucking everywhere this time of year, and a lot of house flies get in because the windows in this apartment are old and poorly sealed. I have a bug zapper and I catch the flies in between the window's blinds and the window pane and I smash all the bugs because they crawl through that in between space a lot. I'm always killing flies, it's nice to be able to kill something like that LOL oooooo did I spook you? Yeah, my apartment is pretty nice, and I clean up all the dead bugs too lol. There's a positive note.
