Quote from: Fluid Fetish on July 09, 2016, 12:04:39 AM
Quote from: oOoOoOo on July 08, 2016, 11:19:10 PM
I hate it when people ask me what kind of porn I'm into. Like honestly, I used to just answer that question if I were online, but it's so fucking awkward. My life sucks. There's no way to just avoid the question without being prudish, idk why everyone in our society is so fucking boring, they don't expect you to be into anything. I knew a guy in a chat room once who was so timid and shy about revealing the fact that he was into chastity, like those little cages you put around your dick. It just sort of pisses me off, that we live in such a stupid society; what other way is there to describe that sort of thing besides stupid? It's certainly not tolerable, because it makes my life worse. What does it even mean to tolerate something? To just take the pain of it and be quiet and not talk about it? Well, in that case I guess I have failed at tolerating the stupidity and I guess, if I could use more superficial words in my already pathetic tirade - lameness of society.
I was always amused by the fact that people are ashamed of what gets them off. It makes sense in certain parts of the world, like in the US everyone is sexually repressed or prudish....it's ok to watch people being killed but sex is still taboo etc. I have a friend who used to have a boyfriend who liked being fucked in the ass with a dildo by her, and apparently this guy was so ashamed of it. I mean, he was Mr. Tough Guy ex-drug dealer gangster so that makes sense. One of my favorite stories of the whole experience was her going in to purchase the strap on and his tough guy gangsta ass had to sit in the car because he refused to go in and pick it out with her. Personally, if a dildo was going in my ass, I'd slap that fucker down on the table and ask the clerk if he's ever tried it before because this thing is going way up my ass. I'm an asswipe though (no pun intended). I told her that for a lot of people I think hiding, repressing or being ashamed of their sexuality is part of what gets them off. Could be the case with some of your experiences.
LOL. Well, I certainly believe that masculinity can be used as a cover for a tough guy facade, there is an insecurity about men, that they feel threatened by femininity. That sickens me, I think that the masculinization of our culture is hillbilly nonsense.
It may be a turn on for some, but I definitely don't feel happy repressing my sexuality. In fact, I often feel sort of traumatized by it, and I mean that in a very literal sense. I've felt so embarrassed in moments of my life, that I keep reliving those moments whenever I am reminded of them, and it's not that they're anything truly noteworthy. One time I punched a wall at my parent's house and was sent to a mental hospital, where I proceeded to tell people I wish I was a woman for no reason other than to see what they said, and was telling my assigned doctor I wanted to have some of the diapers that they had in the storage room because that was my fetish, and I told some student nurses that when they were on duty and come to visit and talk with patients to get job experience. A couple of them were so put off, and a couple of them were strangely accepting and what not. To this day I feel so embarrassed by that, I have been putting off telling my psychologist who I have known for a year and a half now, because the thought alone is too embarrassing for me to feel comfortable sharing it even with her. I feel I can bring it up here though, because it seems people here seem to not feel offended by this sort of thing.
Those experiences alone have caused me so much grief, none the less how uncomfortable I feel eyeing men. I remember I made such a desperate and shy and awkward approach on this emo guy in college, I was sweating (and 20 pounds heavier than I am right now, sadly) and he avoided me for the rest of the year. That experience also traumatized me, it's another thing which I relive to an uncomfortable level of shame whenever I'm reminded of it, sometimes. I'm not feeling uncomfortable recalling the experiences right now though, because they seem to only be triggered by feelings of embarrassment that are similar to that of when I first felt them. The brain is sort of weird in that respect, I suppose. Not to mention, there's not one time where I ever felt stimulated by the thought of doing these things, or the recollection of them. If anything, some times I just get so fed up of disguising my true thoughts, that I seem to let myself go in moments where I feel that it's inconsequential. I guess I'm silly in that regard.
I maintain that I'm not a lunatic, regardless of the fact that I was sent to a mental hospital. I was very depressed at the time, extremely depressed, and my parents none the less called the police on me when I punched at hole in the wall in a yelling match with them. This is all ancient history though, and I only use it as an example because it seems relevant to what you said about me possibly getting turned on by repressing my thoughts. I think that as a society, people are very repressed, I know that I certainly feel repressed as hell, I know that I've known a lot of other people who feel repressed and sad about the society that they live in. I feel like I'm trying to grasp for something more right now, but I don't think I can really come to that bigger grasp at the moment.
Another time I was in Colorado, this was just the beginning of last year. I brought one diaper on the vacation trip with me, and my dildo, and I remember that I was trying weed for the second time, and I did two hits and it made me feel sort of freaked out. So I decided to wear that diaper I brought for comfort, and ended up peeing in it a little. I put it in the freezer until the end of my trip from colorado, in which I wanted to go outside with it and find a dumpster, because I couldn't imagine leaving it in the waste basket at the hotel where I stayed which was so shallow. I walked around with it outside for a while, in very early morning with it inside a box, I think. All of the fucking dumpsters and trash cans were locked at night, which seems absurd to me; people being so protective over their fucking trash cans. So, I ended up being taken to the airport by the person who was looking after me in colorado, and I wanted to get them the fuck away from me, so I could finally dispose of that piece of trash I was trying to get rid of. They fucking wouldn't go the fuck away, and I watched as the airline safety inspectors in this small airline inspected my bag with that person watching me. It was fucking soul crushing, reimagining it sort of makes me feel like shit.
Except, something I've learned is that if you want depression to go away, you have to let go of whatever it is that is upsetting you. If I say, wish that I had a boyfriend, or wished that I lived in a world that was understanding, a world where I got along with others and others understood me, and I didn't feel like I was a pathetic whining basket case (which let's be clear, that's exactly what I am right now. I loathe the fact that I'm bitching about this again) - I am setting myself up for feeling like shit. It's something that I guess you just have to learn to let go, I have spent many a days feeling so sorry for myself, it is like an all consuming grief, that sometimes saps up so much of you that you're left feeling absolutely nothing left; which again is a bit of a melodramatic soap box for me right now, because at the current moment I feel very calm and cool and not consumed by any sort of grief. That is what living alone for a year and a half can do for you, I suppose. Lets you collect yourself and gets you out of the basket case mentality that you formed from living with your parents and spending 12 years of your life in school, which I consider pretty much to be a sort of prison camp.
So, if there's anything that I'm really trying to get at, something that I am trying to reach the core of right now, it's that yes our society is very repressed, and I wish that there was some way that I could live in a world where I didn't have to feel like garbage; lonely, forsaken garbage, unloved, annoying, pathetic garbage. I don't think I'm so pathetic right now actually, I don't mean to sound that deprecating, I just hope that I'm not coming off as melodramatic. However, I want to be earnest about my strong feelings of my resentment for society, I am serious about that. Also, I'm not transsexual.
