I'm really butthurt that I don't have a boyfriend, it seems that there's almost nothing that I would want more in my entire life than that, or to be abducted by aliens from outer space, and be taken to a place far away where there's no misery. I mean, seriously! I wonder sometimes if I'm the only person in the world who feels like everything sucks if you have no one to love. Surely I'm not the only one, and my feelings are born out of naivete, and I know in a sort of perverse way how stupid I must sound right now, and for some reason want to say it anyways in spite of this. Why? I don't know, maybe because I'm just lonely and it seems that I want to validate my mundane thoughts with some sort of statement, instead of just the festering bloating waste of space that they take up inside of my head. Now they can become festering bloating wastes of space inside of your head, if that is the case then I have truly accomplished my goal.
However, I would like to get back to bitching about not having a boyfriend. I was just reading The Marble Swarm by Dennis Cooper, I only read the first 19 pages or so, because I get worn out from reading rather quickly. If I could digress, that's another things that I wonder a lot, is if people get worn out of reading or if I'm the only one. It's not that I'm tired of the book because it's boring, it is actually a good book which is relaxing to read, in the same way that reading story of the eye is relaxing to read; I take comfort in perverse stories, they're soothing to me, they probe the parts of your mind which are hiding around dark corners trying to conceal themselves, just waiting for the moment when they can creep from the shadows and make their day. Now, this has to do with boyfriends, because of course the novel has to do with cute guys, which is of course something that I relate to because it's something that I think about all the time.
I just imagine, what would it be like to live with a guy all the time? One who's cute and who I could fulfill my desires and fantasies, one who I could take comfort in and not feel so alone. I almost feel like if I didn't feel alone, and I felt that I could confide in someone else, that maybe I would feel relaxed, maybe my constant - seeming never ending stream of tension inside of me would finally go away. It's always something that I try to imagine, because it always seems as though in this world there is hardly any release, release from what can only be referred to as it. It, what is "it"? It... The thing which seems to keep me grasping for answers and meaning in the world, perhaps, perhaps the thing which keeps us all grasping for meaning. That special it, the wondrous thing which is beyond our grasp of articulation, so much so that we almost feel as though we're the only one who feels it, and by we I mean me (including you in IT would be sort of ironic now, wouldn't it).
It seems that there's always a frustrating limit to what we can do in this world, you can only jump so high. Whether or not these things are subtle, or whether or not they're self imposed, there can be a sort of pervasive limit to what you see in the world around you. There's always a standard, always a sort of common place factor which seems to repeat throughout everything in our world. Or, maybe it's just that we're all so used to seeing everything that nothing seems out of place. Except, it's hard to imagine looking at the world we live in and seeing it as an exotic, or perhaps what I should describe as an exciting place. Because, to tell you the truth, I think that I and probably many other people are simply bored, bored of the lives that they live. I am constantly grasping for what I think it may take to finally make my life more enjoyable, to escape that every pervasive mundane standard sameness that seems to cover every waking thing. I believe the IT, is desire to escape this, I believe.
Maybe I am simply falling into black and white thinking, the idea that there's a lot of people out there who are enjoying their life more than me. I am definitely under the impression that I lead a pretty miserable life. I think that most people besides me have some sort of social life, I know that I have said before that I don't really spend time with anyone. I know that I shouldn't fall into black and white thinking, but it seems that a lot of people have a lot of things to enjoy in their life, in terms of friends and having intimate encounters with other human beings. I wish that it was more apparent who the people are who haven't had these sorts of experiences, because sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who really speaks up about it; that's to say that maybe there is a bunch of other people who share the same experience as I, but they just don't speak up about it because they're too embarrassed about it. I know that I used to be very embarrassed about being a complete and utter loner when I was much younger.
Now, this is the sort of thing which I guess I repeat myself so much, that it just seems sort of routine by now. I think that a lot of the things that I have said in the past few paragraphs are pretty much what I have been saying almost every day for the past several years, just written differently. Although, perhaps what I am writing right now is simply another attempt to find some sort of meaning in it all. Although, I don't really think I like that word meaning, I digress. I always think that maybe if I write down all my thoughts, that somehow I will find a new thread, a new line that leads me somewhere that I haven't been before. That's what writing seems to be for me, my process if I may say. I always just write what is on my mind, and follow the threads of thought and see where they lead. To tell you the truth, I don't really know why I am writing all of this right now, but maybe that's also part of the appeal to me. I mean, I am obviously writing out my feelings, because I have a lot of them bottled up inside of me, but I don't really know what my goal is with you, the reader. Perhaps I just want to relieve some tension from my swelling brain, and hope that in my hasty writing, I've managed to say something insightful.
I just wish that there wasn't aging, and that I could just spend all the time in the world that I wanted on one thing. Could you imagine how nice being alone would be then? Imagine how it would rewire the brain, spending time on tasks wouldn't be weighted with the prospect of wasting time, imagine the patience that people would build up when they don't feel the pressure to not waste their time. I could just sit around all day reading enormous books, content in knowing that I could simply take as much time as I want, I could spend all the time I want alone and not have to worry about the things which I'm not doing and which I'm missing out on. I feel though, that because of the fact that I am growing older, I am missing out on things which I could be doing. This is one of the things which I believe makes me most upset. I feel this insatiable existentialism which seems to have never gone away since I was very young. I remember when I was a poor, feeble and naive young boy, how the pointlessness of life and the terrifying prospect of death would trouble me to no end. That, coupled with the world around that just doesn't seem to give a flying fuck, I believe saps the life out of what could be a perfectly happy person.
However, I do believe that it is possible to be happy in this world. I like to think of things in terms of what could be, rather than fall into the trap of thinking about what is. When you think about the universe, there is always the prospect of what could be. There's always a possibility that something "could exist", whether by coming forth by virtue of some factors that don't exist, or by what could exist where the circumstances to be right. For instance, I could lock eyes with a beautiful young man, with a gorgeous body who happens to be attracted to me and have the same interests as me and connect to me on a deeper level; that could happen. It could also happen, that by virtue of total randomness, the entire anatomy of the world changes, and it becomes a place which is nice to live in. That, is in the realm of imagination. It is nice to have an imagination, although I don't think that I would typically praise having an imagination as anything that important. Well, I would, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I think I heard it said on the science channel best; our atoms could disassemble and rearrange themselves perfectly on mars, then disassemble themselves and rearrange themselves back on earth, but the likelyhood of that happening is infinitely small.
The thoughts in the last paragraph admittedly may come as no surprise to some of you who read it. I'm not even quite sure if that's what I am really thinking. I think that I exist simply because I am awake, and I don't seem to protest my own existence. I simply exist, there is no serious contemplation that goes into my existence every second of it, unless I take the time to reflect on it (which I often do). So, to say that is the reason that I can find some comfort in the world, was simply a false assumption, which came about only because I thought at that moment that seemed like an interesting view of the world. I apologize to you, reader, for wasting some more of your time. I said that with the idea that it may be sort of a funny thing to say, I don't know why I found it funny to say something self deprecating right there, surely you wouldn't understand. That's something else that I believe is sort of interesting, if I may bide a bit more of your time to listen to my rambling. It's just funny to me, how sometimes the intention of how you mean to come off doesn't come off at all. I wonder sometimes, how conscious I really am of this.
I guess I always did have a sort of sophisticated sense of humor. At least, I was told that when I was young that my sense of humor was very good. Although I wonder if somehow it has morphed into something which is much more convoluted and abstract, too avant garde for the average person to pick up. You may be thinking that I have been trying to be funny in these preceding paragraphs. You would be mistaken, I was not trying to be funny at all. I don't think that there is really much that I could describe about how I am feeling right now, come to think of it. It's funny though, that I say my sense of humor may have evolved out of some overly avant garde development of my brain, to which the humor becomes so abstracted, that only I can appreciate it's greatness. It's a funny thought, no? It's funny because that's absolute bullshit, and I am simply saying it because it came to my head as a passing thought, which I thought that I would use in this paragraph. That may be sort of annoying, but you are the one to blame, you are the one who chose to read my swill. Ahh, but I shouldn't blame you. I have no animosity towards you. I welcome you, reader, warmly to my writing.
Ah that gave me a little bit of a giggle. Just a little bit, not too much of a giggle. It's a sort of sophomoric humor, to be honest. Not highly sophisticated at all. In fact, I'd say that it was rather sophomoric, a rather immature joke on my part. I shouldn't attempt to explain to you the nature of my sense of humor though, because really the nature of my sense of humor is of use to no one, really. At least, I don't think. We'll just say, my sense of humor isn't really very interesting, at least, I don't think. Well, I don't know... I don't really think I know what it is exactly that I'm trying to say. I think that um... yes to describe my sense of humor doesn't seem like a very good use of my time. Although, I wonder why I should feel silly for doing so. Ah, yes. That seems like a good place to describe my thoughts, I feel renewed at the revelation of that. Just now, I was feeling very sad, because I felt like I had used up the well of thoughts that I could possibly write about. I will use this thought now.
Yes, it is very interesting, to think why we have to feel silly about doing anything. It is something that has troubled my brain for a long time. It must have something to do with a deep psychology and neurology of the human mind. I suppose we'd all be a bunch of loonies if we didn't have a sense that told us when we are doing something which we aught not to be doing. I however, believe that I have grown to hate that sense inside of me. It's a sense that seems to obey authority, it's a servile sense that seems to be eager to please others. It's a shame to me, that we seem to live in a world where we are in a constant master and slave relationship with it, and I don't mean the kinky kind of master and slave relationship. I mean that there always seems to be some sort of governing factor, whether it be the way you dress, or people expecting you to be manly instead of girly. That one rather upsets me, people expect guys to be manly, to play the role of their sex. It's a shame though, and really a fallacy, because there's a so called opposite sex who embodies the thing in which it's "wrong" to have in a guy. So, really I think that to say that guys have to be a certain way, is really a sexist opinion. I think that sort of discrepancy can be found in almost everything though, and... oh gosh it just dawned on me, I think that this is also something that I have been talking about at great length for the past several months, and perhaps the past several years. In fact, I think that this is something that I never stop dwelling upon. You see, it seems to there's always a sort of repetition to things. Things feel the same, a lot.
However, I think that it's good to express these thoughts. I have so many thoughts like this all the time, and it seems like people around me follow the world's commands, so obediently, that I feel that expressing these concerns reminds me that I have some sort of voice in the world, that the thoughts inside of my head are real. That thought just made me feel a sort of sweeping melancholy over myself actually. I feel very oppressed by the world, I feel that it has too many rules. I lament these rules a lot, I resent the obedience of the people around me to this world. So, sometimes I feel that I do and say things that may seem embarrassing, but in the end I just wish that I didn't have to feel embarrassed about them. Yeah, I think that's a good note to summarize things on. I just wish that I didn't have to feel embarrassed about these things, I just wish that I could go about living my life never having been judged, never having felt that I needed to fulfill some sort of standard. I'm very hard on myself though, physically and mentally. I won't go too heavy into it, but I'll just say that I do care about myself, I take good care of myself and I eat health and I don't let myself get fat. That is one of the ways I take care of myself. I have counter all of my calories since I was in middle school, because I wanted to have a nice body. I guess it was a good habit to form, counting all my calories and scarcely eating a single unhealthy thing (I'm not anorexic, which you may be thinking, I eat a lot of healthy fat like avocados and olive oil). I'm just saying that I'm not just some slob who doesn't care, I just wish that I could find some happiness in this world, I wish that i didn't have to feel embarrassed.
Ah, I thought that I was going to end right there, but I guess that I'll just go on. I thought that when I brought up my diet that I would be making some sort of point, but I think I came off to myself as simply making a vain statement about my body. I think that it was somewhat sub conscious, bringing up my body to make a statement, perhaps to persuade you that I am in fact an attractive person. Very servile, very vain. I know that when I write this, it may even repel some of you, it may make some people regret that they'd read it, or make some people resent me as a person. You all seem like a rather nice bunch, so I don't necessarily expect that from you. Except I know that there's a lot of people in my life who I have made resent me, often they were just strangers. I leave a lot of bad impressions on people. I guess that is the one thing which I wish didn't have to happen. I wish that I could simply exist in this world without leaving a bad impression on anyone. I wish that everyone in the entire world didn't leave a bad impression on anyone, I wish that we all lived in a society filled with love where everyone was totally cool and comfortable with everyone else. It makes me sad to think that I have to worry about conducting myself, and making myself congenial, simply for the sake of not screwing over my day. On that front, I am wracked with guilt every day of my life, for how embarrassing of a person that I seem to myself, and how I perceive myself to be perceived (perhaps falsely) in the eyes of others. However, I know that this is a truth, which is unavoidable about this world. I wish that I didn't have to worry about feeling embarrassed.
